In about 36 hours, you and I will part ways never to be together again. I have to be honest, I am not sure how to feel about this. I have heard from several people how they think I should feel, yet…my emotions seem to be taking their own long, winding, all around the world path. What is normal? Am I reacting the “right way” in this? I am unsure.
I have so much I want to say to you and so I think that I will get through this the way I get through all things and that is by writing.
In theory, I should be kind of excited about our impending separation. It will mean I should be pain-free and no longer needing to worry about adding any more to our brood. And while I know we decided we were finished pro-creating, there is so much to be said for CHOOSING that vs. having the choice taken away. Forever. No “take-backs”. Never. It is overwhelming and emotionally confusing. I know I don’t want anymore children but I don’t want to not be ABLE to!!! There is no reason to this, I know. I just feel it and so it is. I am trying to work through it. As you can see, I am working at all hours of the night on this and I must because our time together is running out.
I would also like to tell you, Uterus, that I am so sorry. I am sorry that for a majority of my life (and yours) I have been so inconsiderate of you. I have rarely thought of you and truthfully when I did, I was having negative conversations in my head about you. I was upset with you when I was starting puberty because you were causing me pain. I thought you hindered me when my period would arrive and my swimming schedule was altered. I complained about you monthly from that point on. The pain, the cramps and the inconvenience. I never stopped to appreciate that you were fulfilling your function which was to keep my body fresh and healthy. You were prepping me for motherhood all along. Thank you for working properly and keeping me healthy. I appreciate it now. I appreciate you.
Besides being inconsiderate of you and so negative towards you in the past, I must apologize more. Because you will be gone soon and I for some reason feel I need to share these things now, before then.
There was a time when I hated you. I hated you to the core of my being. When I miscarried our baby, I blamed you with every ounce of everything I had. I wondered , “Why weren’t you strong enough? Why didn’t you keep my baby safe? That was your damn job! How could you let me down this way? Why???” I sank into a despair that I wasn’t sure I could climb out of. It was much easier to hate you than to hate God. I didn’t fear your retribution. I am sorry for that. I don’t pretend to know why that horrific thing happened and I will mourn our baby for the rest of my life but I want you to know, I don’t blame you anymore and I am so sorry I did.
Lastly, I want to thank you for my four children you did successfully carry and help keep safe for this world. I truly could not have had them without you. And I never even thanked you until now, when you are about to depart. It is often that way, isn’t it? We don’t appreciate what we have until it is gone.
Well now I am thanking you for my children. The wild, sometimes crazy and sometime out of control Loves of my Life. Thank you for everything.
You tolerated a young mother new to the parenthood/pregnancy deal. You helped me through the miscarriage (though I didn’t see it at the time) by alerting me early on to the problem. I see now that had you not done your job I, too, and not just the baby could have had grave health concerns. You managed to successfully carry and sustain a 10.5 lb boy, a 10.3 lb boy and a 9.6 lb girl each 14 months apart and each through a c-section. While each time you should have, in theory, been weaker, you stepped up to the occasion and these little people were carried to term and were the epitome of healthy. THANK YOU FOR THEM!
I am sorry you are sick and that you have to go. I will never forget all you did for me. I am going to miss you.