Did I ever share my word for 2019? It doesn’t seem as though I did. 2018 was hard. My word back then was Wonder. I found myself full of wonder but in none of the ways I imagined. Mostly just WONDERing what to do. WONDERing how I got to a place I didn’t intend to get to. To be frank, WONDERing that the hell I was doing.
I was glad when 2018 was over. Its a story for another post. A story that will take courage to tell and one that must be told when littles (can I still call Clever, Dapper and Spicy littles when they are 10, 9 and breathing down 8’s neck??) are not underfoot with excitement for Christmas… Its hard because as every writer knows, our stories are not our own. They are intertwined and weaved with other’s lives and truths. Our version is but one facet… Still, as writers also know, stories within us must come forth or they overcrowd and corrupt our minds leaving no room for new stories and beginnings. So I will write my story and you will hear my story in due time.
As it is, 2019 came. I anticipated it and welcomed a fresh new year. Not to lose weight (tho I need to), not to quit smoking (did that almost 11 years ago- thank you very much)- no real resolutions were happening here. I was just grateful to see a new year, pick a new word and begin again.
My word for 2019 was (and for the next 20 days still is) STRONG.
It was deceptive at first, I admit. Its a bold word and claiming it as my word of the year was daring. Especially given the fact I didn’t feel it. I wasn’t sure I believed it. Okay, I know I didn’t believe it. But I made it my word and I thought about it every single day thus far in 2019. I make decisions that will make me a strong person. I work to make my marriage strong. I strive to be a strong role model for my littles . I have strong friendships and learned to appreciate them and nurture them. I was strong in the realization that other friendships weren’t. This is okay, it makes the strong outshine. I see them clearly. I feel that this year – and last- let me see everyone clearly. I still STRONGly wish everyone well.
I am spending the next several weeks thinking and praying for my next word. Praying that Jesus just lets it come to me and gives me the purpose to slay all things with my word!
2020, I’m coming for you and I am so happy to keep on keeping on!
There is a voice in us. A faint whisper, and we can to decide each day whether to listen to it or to completely ignore it, but its there. Are you listening?
I wasn’t. For some time, years even, I didn’t listen. The result? A feeling in the pit of my stomach that would never cease. An ache for something missing. And if I am going to be honest, I can admit that I was so removed from myself that I would not have been able to tell you what was missing even if you had asked. I had let myself get that far away from myself. It was a sad time.
Slowly I began making my way back to my center, my passion, my vocation. What I can tell you from that experience? I was met with pure bliss. A reckoning of mass proportions!
Most recently, I have become involved in other things, other things took my time and my attention. Things I thought would enhance me or make me better. In truth, those endeavors I sought began pulling me once again from my place of true being. That time I was now dedicating to new things was taking my time from my vocation. Promises to myself to tend to the writing were not kept. Goals I set were not met. Further and further I found myself drifting.
I will not hesitate to tell you, I experienced true angst in this predicament. I sensed a huge weight on my shoulders and with each day I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing, more weight was being added. I felt true pressure.
Here came the voice. The inner voice. A whisper at first, barely noticeable. A hushed voice. “Remember what brings you joy?”. More time passed and such, less writing was done. The voice called again with more earnest. “Are you doing what lights you up inside?”. More days checked off on the calendar. More days just going along feeling like I am hiking further from myself. The voice boomed. “Go back to your center! Do what it is you are meant to be doing! Make time to be you! Do the work for that!”.
And so I remembered to listen to myself. A decision was made. And do you want to know something? The second I made the decision, the very second I made it, I felt like I could float. I felt like all the weight was gone.
THAT is how I know it was the right decision! Listening to ourselves is so critical. Life-changing and life-saving!
Be still and listen….
I am still here. I write this as a reminder to myself even more than a notification to my readers.
I have been writing so much these last few months, just not blogging. I have missed this.
I find myself thinking of this blog often. I think,
“What do I want to write?”
“What is there to say?”
“Do people really want to hear a housewife’s take on kids and married life?”
“Do I really want to talk about kids and married life?”
“Should I just post works here? Try to get feedback?”
Lots of questions. And with full disclosure, I didn’t come to any definitive conclusions.
With the exception of this: I want to write and I want to write here.
I want to write about whatever I want. This blog doesn’t need to fit under an umbrella that only touches on certain topics. It can be all encompassing. I have no control over who reads, who shares, who cares. But that isn’t why writing has ever mattered to me. Writing has been my lifeline since I was a child. When I was 7 and used writing to help me grapple through my father’s death and throughout my life going through every other hardship and joy. Writing is home.
So here it goes. Continuing the act of saving myself. Using my God-given talent to spend time with myself…and hopefully you all as well.
My word for 2018 is Wonder. My word I pick is always intentional and thoughtful. I try my best to map out the year I want to have, the year I envision and then I set out to pick the word that will best help me stay my course.
(art done by in house artist, Spicy)
I want to see the world through a different lens, perhaps a psychedelic one. I want to see the good in all. I want to feel that glimmer of extraordinary in everything. I want to make intentional choices for myself that bring me wondrous things. I want to inspire others to seek their own wonders. That was my plan. It most certainly still is.
But somehow, it is nearly March. How is that possible? Is anyone else shocked by this?
I feel in times such as these, when we have fabulous notions and ideas but we let time slip by (or rather it squeaks by on its own), the best plan of action is a PLAN OF ACTION! A purposeful intention that is also a regimented intention.
I vow to check in here each week, we’ll say Wednesdays- I call them:
When I write this little blog of mine, in my little space on the internet- I will report to you the wonder I have seen, felt, tasted and discovered. I challenge you all to go find wonderful things as well.
I share the belief with many that we are all creative beings. Each human has the capacity to make, create, build and dream a little piece of the world for themselves. Do any of us know a child who doesn’t color? A child who doesn’t imagine mystical realms? The truth is we are all creative but we are not all brave.
Creating takes Courage. It requires that we muster up the toughness to fight off our insecurities. Insecurities that present themselves as inner voices we hear that tell us we don’t have the ‘right’ to make whatever it is we wish to make. The self-whispers that tell us there is no one out in the world who wants what we have to create.
Children don’t care. They are brave without even intending to me. They haven’t been pushed down by society yet to think that any art they create may be “bad”. To their eyes, each paper they paint, color or tear is a masterpiece. Seems to me that this realization proves children are not only brave, but extremely smart as well.
If you are lucky enough to have a creative child, which is to say, you have children- let them create. Encourage it. Support it. Embrace it. And believe in it. Your positive words and actions will foster their creative spark and will let it catch fire. Anything else would be a huge disservice to them and to the world who is waiting for more awesomeness to be created. And while you are at it, go create something yourself!