I feel so vulnerable today!!

I think most of you are aware that I recently published a book called, No Cheese Please.  It is an adorable children’s book that I am extremely proud of.

I am proud of the content.  I am proud of the final copy.  I am proud of the audaciousness I had to muster to let it go out into the world.  And here we are….

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It is almost here.  Or there- in the real world where you all are.  It is available on Amazon and the presale has been tremendously successful.  Thank you all you out there who have already bought a copy or two, or 5 or 7… you know who you are!

Why do I feel most vulnerable today?  Today I began the arduous tasks of actually stepping out of my creativity (a place I am SUPER comfortable in) and into the world of “selling/promoting”.  This is a place where I am not at ease.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I BELIEVE in this project and I am CONFIDENT in what I am sharing, it just is HARD, you guys, when you ask others to come along with you and sip some of your Kool Aid! And to buy into it, literally.

So today I created the invitation to my Book Launch Celebration where I am inviting my friends and family to come and help us celebrate this really cool thing.  I am so excited but I have to be honest, when I hit ‘Send Evite’, I had heart palpitations.  All these negative thoughts crept in my head.  Or rather, if I am going to be honest, they didn’t sneak in- I was the one saying them.

“What if no one comes but you, you husband and your kids?”

“What if people presume you have no talent and don’t want to buy anything you made?”

“You have some nerve making something and then thinking anyone would PAY for it!”

The list of self-doubt and self-hate questions kept going.  I was so nervous.  I am still.

And then I got to thinking… Do I want these books to sell?  Absolutely!  I think that will be amazing and exciting and I will be honored that anyone would invest their hard-earned money into something I created and released into this crazy world.  BUT, I am not doing it for that.  I didn’t make the decision to focus on my writing for the accolades.  I decided to do this for ME!   The positive reviews and the excellent reception thus far is the cherry on top for me.

Will some people out there have negative thoughts about me?  Or about my audacity to do this thing?  I sadly presume so.  I can’t change them.  I learned from experience that people make up their minds about you typically with or without any action or evidence from you.   And those people, aren’t people you want around anyway.

Getting back to this party- I am still nervous.  I am still wanting everything to be a huge success and I want everyone to leave feeling empowered to do whatever  it is they want to do.  But I am doing this thing.  And the feeling I get from THAT…from the actual DOING supersedes any negativity I can spew at myself.

Thank you for letting me share my vulnerability here.  This community has come to be place I feel safe and free.  Kudos to you all for that.

XOXO

 

The Creative Spark…

I share the belief with many that we are all creative beings.  Each human has the capacity to make, create, build and dream a little piece of the world for themselves.  Do any of us know a child who doesn’t color?  A child who doesn’t imagine mystical realms?   The truth is we are all creative but we are not all brave.

Creating takes Courage.  It requires that we muster up the toughness to fight off our insecurities.  Insecurities that present themselves as inner voices we hear that tell us we don’t have the ‘right’ to make whatever it is we wish to make.  The self-whispers that tell us there is no one out in the world who wants what we have to create.

Children don’t care.  They are brave without even intending to me.  They haven’t been pushed down by society yet to think that any art they create may be “bad”.  To their eyes, each paper they paint, color or tear is a masterpiece.  Seems to me that this realization proves children are not only brave, but extremely smart as well.

If you are lucky enough to have a creative child, which is to say, you have children- let them create.  Encourage it. Support it.  Embrace it.  And believe in it.  Your positive words and actions will foster their creative spark and will let it catch fire.  Anything else would be a huge disservice to them and to the world who is waiting for more awesomeness to be created.  And while you are at it, go create something yourself!

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“We are the Champions, my friends…” ~Queen

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This is the song that played in my head when I found…wait for it…the Damn Hermit Crab!  Woohoo!  We sure missed Mr. Crab and he was safe and sound in a bowl that was actually under the table that had his condo on it.  His condo is about 5 inches off the floor so it was not a far fall.  He was very happy to see us and is thrilled to be back in his habitat.  I was thrilled that my children weren’t involved.  Though to be honest, the hubby doesn’t buy it.  He still thinks Dapper may have had a hand in mishap.  I will keep my mom blinders on indefinitely.  🙂

Speaking of Dapper, he has reached a huge milestone today- the big 05!   I guess that makes him Under the Hill!  He had a great day.  At school he was the center of attention for his special day and tonight he opened lots of good loot.

As he told me before he went to bed, “Being 5 is the BEST!”

I just kissed his head and thought to myself, “No, babydoll.  Getting to be your mom is the best! ”  Happy Birthday, Dapper!!!  May you have a lifetime of amazing adventures and enduring love!

XOXO

Where did I go? The pathway back to myself…

I started writing this blog as an outlet for myself to do the thing I love, which is writing.  A little corner of time set aside for myself to focus on me.  This friends, has been hard.  I know so many of my readers are out in the workforce so you may wonder, “Why does she need to carve out time?  She is a stay at home mother- her whole day is her oyster.”  Of course, those of you who follow me that are also at home moms know that free time is something you have to battle for and create for yourself.  No one will do it for you.

So I set goals for myself.  Goals like, I am going to blog 3 times a week.  I am going to blog and keep up with social media to make my presence felt.  I am going to share exciting projects and daily life anecdotes on a schedule.  I have held myself to none of these.  And my sadness and disappointment in myself has led to a blog that hasn’t had new content in over 3 weeks.  That isn’t exactly what I was going for.  My actions are not matching my passion.  I am passionate about writing, but I am struggling to find myself.  And by that, I mean I am having a hard time standing in the entitlement necessary to do what I want and need for myself.  Time to tell the world, “I need this time, for myself, for my craft and even for my sanity.”

This made me wonder how many of you out there also grapple with this?  I bet it is more than I originally thought.  So I began to ponder….and investigate..and search youtube for some videos from people I admire for some advice.  And I came across a great video clip from the Dr. Oz show where he was interviewing the author, Elizabeth Gilbert about her new book called Big Magic.  She told a story of when she was an unpublished author struggling with finding time to do her work.  She said she spoke to an older and wiser friend and told her she didn’t have the time to write.  Her friend asked her, “Just out of curiosity, what is your favorite TV show?”  When Elizabeth answered, “The Sopranos!” her wise friend said, “Not anymore its not.”

The moral of that story is, I do have things that consume my time.  Things that do take me from writing.  My children.  Can’t chuck them aside (have no desire and couldn’t live without them).  My husband.  He is a permanent fixture (though I will spend my entire life wondering when God will realize he gave me someone I am so utterly undeserving of).  However, there are things, I realized that I can cast aside.

I have decided to stop my eBay selling.  This is something that was taking time away from my day and it is time I could be standing in my own entitlement.   Please understand, this is a sacrifice for me.  I LOVE eBay.  I have been selling on eBay since 2001 and it has been a huge financial success for me.  But I am willing to carve this path back to myself.  To find myself.    To have my actions match my passion.

So, in the spirit of NEW beginnings and new commitments to myself, I am going to announce the following goals (and ask that you all help keep me in check if I slack).  I am going to blog at LEAST once a week.  I am going to share my life, my writings, my struggles and hopefully lots of successes.  🙂

I hope you all will help me by sharing my blog with your friends and family on Facebook and following me on Instagram.  With each new follower, I am feeling more propelled to be present and heard.  I would really appreciate the support!

XOXO

Go Bison!