Dear Uterus,

In about 36 hours, you and I will part ways never to be together again.  I have to be honest, I am not sure how to feel about this.  I have heard from several people how they think I should feel, yet…my emotions seem to be taking their own long, winding, all around the world path.  What is normal?  Am I reacting the “right way” in this?  I am unsure.

I have so much I want to say to you and so I think that I will get through this the way I get through all things and that is by writing.

In theory, I should be kind of excited about our impending separation.  It will mean I should be pain-free and no longer needing to worry about adding any more to our brood.   And while I know we decided we were finished pro-creating, there is so much to be said for CHOOSING that vs. having the choice taken away. Forever.  No “take-backs”.  Never.  It is overwhelming and emotionally confusing.  I know I don’t want anymore children but I don’t want to not be ABLE to!!!  There is no reason to this, I know.  I just feel it and so it is.  I am trying to work through it.  As you can see, I am working at all hours of the night on this and I must because our time together is running out.

I would also like to tell you, Uterus, that I am so sorry.  I am sorry that for a majority of my life (and yours) I have been so inconsiderate of you.  I have rarely thought of you and truthfully when I did, I was having negative conversations in my head about you.  I was upset with you when I was starting puberty because you were causing me pain.  I thought you hindered me when my period would arrive and my swimming schedule was altered.  I complained about you monthly from that point on.  The pain, the cramps and the inconvenience.  I never  stopped to appreciate that you were fulfilling your function which was to keep my body fresh and healthy.  You were prepping me for motherhood all along.  Thank you for working properly and keeping me healthy.  I appreciate it now.  I appreciate you.

Besides being inconsiderate of you and so negative towards you in the past, I must apologize more.  Because you will be gone soon and I for some reason feel I need to share these things now, before then.

There was a time when I hated you.  I hated you to the core of my being.  When I miscarried our baby,  I blamed you with every ounce of everything I had.  I wondered , “Why weren’t you strong enough? Why didn’t you keep my baby safe?  That was your damn job!  How could you let me down this way?  Why???”  I sank into a despair that I wasn’t sure I could climb out of.  It was much easier to hate you than to hate God.  I didn’t fear your retribution.  I am sorry for that.  I don’t pretend to know why that horrific thing happened and I will mourn our baby for the rest of my life but I want you to know, I don’t blame you anymore and I am so sorry I did.

Lastly, I want to thank you for my four children you did successfully carry and help keep safe for this world.  I truly could not have had them without you.  And I never even thanked you until now,  when you are about to depart.  It is often that way, isn’t it?  We don’t appreciate what we have until it is gone.

Well now I am thanking you for my children.  The wild, sometimes crazy and sometime out of control Loves of my Life.  Thank you for everything.

You tolerated a young mother new to the parenthood/pregnancy deal.  You helped me through the miscarriage (though I didn’t see it at the time) by alerting me early on to the problem.  I see now that had you not done your job I, too, and not just the baby could have had grave health concerns.  You managed to successfully carry and sustain a 10.5 lb boy, a 10.3 lb boy and a 9.6 lb girl each 14 months apart and each through a c-section.  While each time you should have, in theory, been weaker, you stepped up to the occasion and these little people were carried to term and were the epitome of healthy. THANK YOU FOR THEM!

I am sorry you are sick and that you have to go.   I will never forget all you did for me.  I am going to miss you.

XOXO

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Love Letters to our Little Peeps

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Greetings!!! So a while ago, I got to thinking about people who had blessed my life with their presence and who are no longer here. I was wishing that I had some way to know how they felt about me. Some way to see in their own words how they were feeling and what they were thinking while I was growing up. My father, my grandmother…both of whom I would have loved to have a love letter from to cherish always.

Fast forward to me sitting sadly in the “What-ifs” and the “I wish I had this” moment… I decided that since I thought that I would like something like that, I was going to give that to my children. So I grabbed a typical composition book (not fancy- nothing jazzy or special) and I decided to write LOVE letters to my children. Anytime the inspiration dawned on me me or they did something to twinge my heart, I’ve been writing it down. Sometimes I write funny things they say or do, sometimes I write a letter about something that I’m feeling. My entries are for them. For example, to Clever I have written to always keep his vibrant personality and his inquisitive mind. I think it is so important and so special to him and so unique and it just adds to his character and I want him to know I see that and I love that!   For Dapper I want him to know how his sweet voice has just been music to my ears from the very first moment I first heard it and it melts my heart each and every time.  That he is cherished even though he may feel at times lost in the shuffle of his siblings.    Studious’ letters are a little more intricate since she’s getting so much older and an (gulp) adult. I am able to really delve into serious topics and discuss things that she may not feel comfortable coming to me with.  It also allows me the opportunity to share my feelings and thoughts on them. With  Spicy,  I just want to make sure I’m recording and enjoying everything she’s doing for the first time and that she knows that even though she’s the fourth child, I’m seeing all the many of the things she’s doing and they are all still unique and special to me just like she is. That can get lost on the last child. I don’t want it to get lost on her.

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So now you get the gist of how I use my notebook in terms of content. Now to the basics of what tools you would need if you would like to make these love letters/diaries for your children.

As I mentioned earlier, I used a basic composition book and I decided from the beginning that I would use ONLY ONE BOOK FOR ALL MY LETTERS. This means that I would not use individual books for each child. I thought having four separate books would be daunting and overwhelm me so I stuck with one at a time.   One book held all of my letters. What I would do is make sure that the back of each note was blank so if/when the children want to tear it out when they are older , they will not be taking a portion of a letter/note from their brothers or sisters. As I fill one composition book, another is purchased and the cycle of mad love continues!
I use markers. I use paint. I use stickers. I use pens, pencils and crayons. I cut out applicable quotes and glue them in, I draw- I do whatever comes to me. Whatever inspiration I am feeling. Sometimes I just write something funny stuff they say- other times it’s a letter from me.
It is unique to each of them just as yours will be to your child(ren).

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Doing this has fed so many hungers I have had: The desire to be sure my children know how I feel, the wish to record so many of the funny things they come up with each and every day. It also helps me because I can use my writing as another tool to communicate and connect to these four perfect souls I helped make! Pretty cool stuff over here! Extraordinary!!!