2019

 

Did I ever share my word for 2019?  It doesn’t seem as though I did.  2018 was hard.  My word back then was Wonder.  I found myself full of wonder but in none of the ways I imagined.  Mostly just WONDERing what to do.  WONDERing how I got to a place I didn’t intend to get to.  To be frank, WONDERing that the hell I was doing.

I was glad when 2018 was over.  Its a story for another post.  A story that will take courage to tell and one that must be told when littles (can I still call Clever, Dapper and Spicy littles when they are 10, 9 and breathing down 8’s neck??) are not underfoot with excitement for Christmas…  Its hard because as every writer knows, our stories are not our own.  They are intertwined and weaved with other’s lives and truths.  Our version is but one facet… Still, as writers also know, stories within us must come forth or they overcrowd and corrupt our minds leaving no room for new stories and beginnings.  So I will write my story and you will hear my story in due time.

As it is, 2019 came.  I anticipated it and welcomed a fresh new year.  Not to lose weight (tho I need to), not to quit smoking (did that almost 11 years ago- thank you very much)- no real resolutions were happening here.  I was just grateful to see a new year, pick a new word and begin again.

My word for 2019 was (and for the next 20 days still is) STRONG.

It was deceptive at first, I admit.  Its a bold word and claiming it as my word of the year was daring.  Especially given the fact I didn’t feel it.  I wasn’t sure I believed it.  Okay, I know I didn’t believe it.  But I made it my word and I thought about it every single day thus far in 2019.  I make decisions that will make me a strong person. I work to make my marriage strong.  I strive to be a strong role model for my littles .  I have strong friendships and learned to appreciate them and nurture them.  I was strong in the realization that other friendships weren’t.  This is okay, it makes the strong outshine.  I see them clearly.  I feel that this year – and last- let me see everyone clearly.  I still STRONGly wish everyone well.

I am spending the next several weeks thinking and praying for my next word.  Praying that Jesus just lets it come to me and gives me the purpose to slay all things with my word!

2020, I’m coming for you and I am so happy to keep on keeping on!

XOXO

Listening to yourself

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There is a voice in us.  A faint whisper, and we can to decide each day whether to listen to it or to completely ignore it, but its there.  Are you listening?

I wasn’t.  For some time, years even, I didn’t listen.  The result?  A feeling in the pit of my stomach that would never cease.  An ache for something missing.  And if I am going to be honest, I can admit that I was so removed from myself that I would not have been able to tell you what was missing even if you had asked.  I had let myself get that far away from myself.  It was a sad time.

Slowly I began making my way back to my center, my passion, my vocation.  What I can tell you from that experience?  I was met with pure bliss.  A reckoning of mass proportions!

Most recently, I have become involved in other things, other things took my time and my attention.  Things I thought would enhance me or make me better.  In truth, those endeavors I sought began pulling me once again from my place of true being.  That time I was now dedicating to new things was taking my time from my vocation.  Promises to myself to tend to the writing were not kept.  Goals I set were not met.  Further and further I found myself drifting.

I will not hesitate to tell you, I experienced true angst in this predicament.  I sensed a huge weight on my shoulders and with each day I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing, more weight was being added.  I felt true pressure.

Here came the voice.  The inner voice.  A whisper at first, barely noticeable.  A hushed voice.  “Remember what brings you joy?”.  More time passed and such, less writing was done.  The voice called again with more earnest.  “Are you doing what lights you up inside?”.  More days checked off on the calendar.  More days just going along feeling like I am hiking further from myself.  The voice boomed.  “Go back to your center!  Do what it is you are meant to be doing!  Make time to be you! Do the work for that!”.

And so I remembered to listen to myself.  A decision was made.  And do you want to know something?  The second I made the decision, the very second I made it, I felt like I could float.  I felt like all the weight was gone.

THAT is how I know it was the right decision!  Listening to ourselves is so critical.  Life-changing and life-saving!

Be still and listen….

XOXO

Reminder

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I am still here.  I write this as a reminder to myself even more than a notification to my readers.

I have been writing so much these last few months, just not blogging.  I have missed this.

I find myself thinking of this blog often.  I think,

“What do I want to write?”

“What is there to say?”

“Do people really want to hear a housewife’s take on kids and married life?”

“Do I really want to talk about kids and married life?”

“Should I just post works here?  Try to get feedback?”

Lots of questions.  And with full disclosure, I didn’t come to any definitive conclusions.

With the exception of this:  I want to write and I want to write here.

I want to write about whatever I want.  This blog doesn’t need to fit under an umbrella that only touches on certain topics.  It can be all encompassing.   I have no control over who reads, who shares, who cares.  But that isn’t why writing has ever mattered to me.  Writing has been my lifeline since I was a child.  When I was 7 and used writing to help me grapple through my father’s death and throughout my life going through every other hardship and joy.  Writing is home.

So here it goes.  Continuing the act of saving myself.  Using my God-given talent to spend time with myself…and hopefully you all as well.

XOXO

Reflections…

This blog is nearing its birthday.  3 years.  It seems like its always been here.  Of course, writing has been at the core for me always.  I wrote for every occasion and event.  I was never happy or fulfilled unless I was lost in an imaginary world I was creating.  Whole worlds created with just 26 letters.  Amazing, isn’t it?  26 letters alone and I get to jumble them around over and over for pure delight.

There is something about this little space here of mine.  This little corner of the internet that changed something for me.  Perhaps inside me.  It created a sense of belonging.  While I always wrote and it most certainly defined me, it was not a public thing.  Now it very much is.  I identify as a writer and whats really a blessing is that others do now as well.  I am no longer the person who says they like to write, I am the writer.

I always have been but its more now.  I now have a book that has been published and that is out in the world.  I have another following and yet another being written still.  I am now friends with illustrators, agents and other authors.  I am invited to the table for discussions that perhaps I would not have been before.

I think this little section of the ether plays a role in this.  Whether it be by allowing me to stand up, declare and PROVE that I am who I claimed to be or just by giving me the dedicated place where I could do what I loved, I am not sure.  But I am loving my place at the table and thank you all for your role in helping me along the way.

XOXO

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Back to the Core

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We always hear, “Write what you know.”  Perhaps that is why I was so quiet for so long.  I wasn’t sure I knew much at all.  I was never focused on one thing long enough to speak, er, write about it with any sort of intelligence or wisdom.  I go from the time I wake until the time I collapse.  Swimming, hockey, ballet, scouting, play dates, church, school trips, school volunteering, all household task, etc. etc. etc…..

Here it is.  I am a wife.  I am a mom.  And these people I made are getting older.  They are getting busier.  The more involved they become in their lives, the less in touch I become with my own.  I’m aware this is not a huge revelation and I know from speaking to my sister, its normal. But why?  Why does it have to be?  Why does helping them find their way mean I must lose mine?

It doesn’t. IT DOESN’T!

And they aren’t asking that of me.  My husband isn’t asking that of me.  I am doing it to myself.  How many stay at home parents do that to themselves?  It doesn’t make me a hero.  It doesn’t make me a martyr.  It makes me less than what I am called to be and that serves no one.  Not my husband, my community, my children, my God nor myself.

I am getting back to the core of myself.  I am vowing to myself and this little piece of space I have in the great ether that I am going to carve out time- for me.  I am going to take care of me.  I will practice my craft and make time to do what I love.  I used to see that as selfish.  I don’t anymore.  I need to take care of my WHOLE self so I can wholeheartedly be an asset to my family and their lives.  So I can be me.

So I am going to write.  Create.  Get back to my core.

Are you?  Are you doing what you are called to do?  If not, please do.  The world will be a brighter place when we are ALL our Authentic selves.

 

 

 

My Word for 2017…

2017

…is PURSUE.

For me and for this new year, this word pursue means so many things.

I want to pursue my children. Relentlessly.  I want to be a more present mom and make more memories with them that will last beyond my lifetime and throughout theirs.  I have always been here for my children, this year I want to make a conscious effort to engage more and truly pursue them.  All relationships take work.  Even those between a mother and her children.

I want to pursue my writing.  Chase it and have fun with it and always be seeking it.

I want to pursue knowledge with the furthering of my education.  I have set this goal and I want to continue on the path to reaching it.

I want to pursue relationships that are important to me.  To make extra time for those close to me that I want closer.  To take the time to show those special people just how much they mean to me.  Family and friends tend to get lost in the shuffle of life. I want to pursue them and bring them back in.

And last, I want to pursue the wisdom to know when to let things go.  I struggle with that.

Here is to 2017.  May we all be safe and healthy all year long!  Good luck to you in all your pursuits. (see what I did there?)

Thank you for reading and for following along.  XOXO

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year…

I cannot believe Christmas is here and that the New Year is right around the corner!  This year, WOW!  Words just cannot describe what this year has meant to me.  Well, actually, I am a writer so I know that words can most definitely describe it.  So they shall, right here.

As many of you read and probably remember from my previous posts, each year I choose a different word as the guide for myself, my focus (inspired by the book One Word– check it out).  In 2016, my word was IMMERSE.  Guys, I did just that!  All year long.

Monday night our brood all went driving to look at Christmas lights.  I was telling my husband I was so sad to see 2016 go -that 2016 was the best year of my life.  He summed it all up perfectly when he said, “Because this year, you finally became you.”  Powerful, right?  And he is so spot on!!  I am finally me!

I immersed myself into my blog and tried to be brave about it.  Tried to be honest about the pains and humble about the satisfactions.  I immersed myself (completely) into the writing, publication and promotion of my book.  Yes, my book.  I am a writer.  Now I live it and don’t just dream it.  I immersed myself into college (FULL TIME) when I went back to school after 20+ years.  I got tired – so damn tired- of telling myself all the things I wish I had done.  I decided to do them.  Lets face it, if I hadn’t, I would be here, a whole year later STILL wishing.  I decided that wishing is for the fainthearted.  I want to be doing!  Immersing!

2016 found me traveling loads.  I went somewhere almost every month – with the exception of when I couldn’t travel because I had a tummy tuck and lipo ( I call that immersing in vanity and you know what, I am okay with that every once in a while)!

January– Disney, Universal, Legoland with our littles- Magical time for sure.

February– Vegas- never been and it was so amazing

March– Hatteras- where I know I will end up someday

April– South Dakota, Minnesota and Iowa on a BOOK TOUR- how sweet is that?

May– Fort Lauderdale to pre-celebrate an amazing friend marrying her amazing guy

          Cabo- with great friends for great memories

          Wilmington to bond with my mom and sisters

June–  Book Tour in PA and MD

July– Tummy tuck time and a brief cameo at a wedding in PA.

August– girlie still down  until college started on the 29th!

September– the Poconos

October– Our Halloween Party

November– back to Cabo with our friends for a Tournament

December– VA for book event and our Christmas party- Oh- and the end of the semester when I was told I made the DEAN’s LIST!

I am in no way bragging, I am just trying to show you all that I was immersed in my life wholeheartedly.  I believe in this, you guys.  I want every person reading this to live.  Really live!  This is not our practice life.  We only have one shot at this.  Why not spend the time we have living colorful, creative, fun and AUTHENTIC lives!?  Please try it.  The world really will be a brighter place when we are all being our colorful selves!

I joked with my sister today that I wanted my word for 2017 to be DITTO so I could just repeat 2016.  I know, I know, that would be kind of cheating.  So I am thinking about my word and will post it shortly.  You all think of yours and let me know what you come up with.  Let 2017 be the year you let the whole world know you are here!

XOXO