Did I ever share my word for 2019? It doesn’t seem as though I did. 2018 was hard. My word back then was Wonder. I found myself full of wonder but in none of the ways I imagined. Mostly just WONDERing what to do. WONDERing how I got to a place I didn’t intend to get to. To be frank, WONDERing that the hell I was doing.
I was glad when 2018 was over. Its a story for another post. A story that will take courage to tell and one that must be told when littles (can I still call Clever, Dapper and Spicy littles when they are 10, 9 and breathing down 8’s neck??) are not underfoot with excitement for Christmas… Its hard because as every writer knows, our stories are not our own. They are intertwined and weaved with other’s lives and truths. Our version is but one facet… Still, as writers also know, stories within us must come forth or they overcrowd and corrupt our minds leaving no room for new stories and beginnings. So I will write my story and you will hear my story in due time.
As it is, 2019 came. I anticipated it and welcomed a fresh new year. Not to lose weight (tho I need to), not to quit smoking (did that almost 11 years ago- thank you very much)- no real resolutions were happening here. I was just grateful to see a new year, pick a new word and begin again.
My word for 2019 was (and for the next 20 days still is) STRONG.
It was deceptive at first, I admit. Its a bold word and claiming it as my word of the year was daring. Especially given the fact I didn’t feel it. I wasn’t sure I believed it. Okay, I know I didn’t believe it. But I made it my word and I thought about it every single day thus far in 2019. I make decisions that will make me a strong person. I work to make my marriage strong. I strive to be a strong role model for my littles . I have strong friendships and learned to appreciate them and nurture them. I was strong in the realization that other friendships weren’t. This is okay, it makes the strong outshine. I see them clearly. I feel that this year – and last- let me see everyone clearly. I still STRONGly wish everyone well.
I am spending the next several weeks thinking and praying for my next word. Praying that Jesus just lets it come to me and gives me the purpose to slay all things with my word!
2020, I’m coming for you and I am so happy to keep on keeping on!
There is a voice in us. A faint whisper, and we can to decide each day whether to listen to it or to completely ignore it, but its there. Are you listening?
I wasn’t. For some time, years even, I didn’t listen. The result? A feeling in the pit of my stomach that would never cease. An ache for something missing. And if I am going to be honest, I can admit that I was so removed from myself that I would not have been able to tell you what was missing even if you had asked. I had let myself get that far away from myself. It was a sad time.
Slowly I began making my way back to my center, my passion, my vocation. What I can tell you from that experience? I was met with pure bliss. A reckoning of mass proportions!
Most recently, I have become involved in other things, other things took my time and my attention. Things I thought would enhance me or make me better. In truth, those endeavors I sought began pulling me once again from my place of true being. That time I was now dedicating to new things was taking my time from my vocation. Promises to myself to tend to the writing were not kept. Goals I set were not met. Further and further I found myself drifting.
I will not hesitate to tell you, I experienced true angst in this predicament. I sensed a huge weight on my shoulders and with each day I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing, more weight was being added. I felt true pressure.
Here came the voice. The inner voice. A whisper at first, barely noticeable. A hushed voice. “Remember what brings you joy?”. More time passed and such, less writing was done. The voice called again with more earnest. “Are you doing what lights you up inside?”. More days checked off on the calendar. More days just going along feeling like I am hiking further from myself. The voice boomed. “Go back to your center! Do what it is you are meant to be doing! Make time to be you! Do the work for that!”.
And so I remembered to listen to myself. A decision was made. And do you want to know something? The second I made the decision, the very second I made it, I felt like I could float. I felt like all the weight was gone.
THAT is how I know it was the right decision! Listening to ourselves is so critical. Life-changing and life-saving!
Be still and listen….
I did a thing this week. I made a vision board to show what it is I wanted my life to look like. I actually used a notebook that I always have with me so I could keep looking at it as often as I wanted.
I had heard of people making these before. Targets and motivations to strive for and that emphasize the power of the mind. The photo above was one of the photos I chose. I won’t share the rest here…yet. Maybe never. I am not sure.
What I do know is how happy I am to have used this photo and then realized that I am living this part of my vision board out loud; in present time. So many times I hear people tell me they wish they wrote, or they want to write, or they do write but they won’t put it out anywhere in the world. I am proud that I do. I am proud that in this vision, my writing is not just a vision. Its not just a wish. Its not a someday if I weren’t so busy. I am a mother of 4 (3 of whom are completely dependent), I work part time at my children’s school, I work at my husband’s business, I have 2 children in travel sports that we have 5 days a week and 2 times each day of the weekend. Our little Spicy is a swimmer so that is sucking up time. I also run a part time online business plus I run a household….Can I get an Amen to that? Bills, laundry, dinners, all lunches packed, groceries, cleaning, etc. I get busy. Believe me! Yet, I still find time to be what I believe God calls me to be. A writer. Who actually writes.
I encourage all of you to create your own vision board. A tangible one is best. One you can craft and hold and see each day. BUT, if you are even too busy for that, make one on Pinterest. Start making a plan today for what you say you want. Have your vision become reality. It is empowering. And don’t we all just want to feel a little stronger in our own skin?
I am still here. I write this as a reminder to myself even more than a notification to my readers.
I have been writing so much these last few months, just not blogging. I have missed this.
I find myself thinking of this blog often. I think,
“What do I want to write?”
“What is there to say?”
“Do people really want to hear a housewife’s take on kids and married life?”
“Do I really want to talk about kids and married life?”
“Should I just post works here? Try to get feedback?”
Lots of questions. And with full disclosure, I didn’t come to any definitive conclusions.
With the exception of this: I want to write and I want to write here.
I want to write about whatever I want. This blog doesn’t need to fit under an umbrella that only touches on certain topics. It can be all encompassing. I have no control over who reads, who shares, who cares. But that isn’t why writing has ever mattered to me. Writing has been my lifeline since I was a child. When I was 7 and used writing to help me grapple through my father’s death and throughout my life going through every other hardship and joy. Writing is home.
So here it goes. Continuing the act of saving myself. Using my God-given talent to spend time with myself…and hopefully you all as well.
This is the song that played in my head when I found…wait for it…the Damn Hermit Crab! Woohoo! We sure missed Mr. Crab and he was safe and sound in a bowl that was actually under the table that had his condo on it. His condo is about 5 inches off the floor so it was not a far fall. He was very happy to see us and is thrilled to be back in his habitat. I was thrilled that my children weren’t involved. Though to be honest, the hubby doesn’t buy it. He still thinks Dapper may have had a hand in mishap. I will keep my mom blinders on indefinitely. 🙂
Speaking of Dapper, he has reached a huge milestone today- the big 05! I guess that makes him Under the Hill! He had a great day. At school he was the center of attention for his special day and tonight he opened lots of good loot.
As he told me before he went to bed, “Being 5 is the BEST!”
I just kissed his head and thought to myself, “No, babydoll. Getting to be your mom is the best! ” Happy Birthday, Dapper!!! May you have a lifetime of amazing adventures and enduring love!
Since writing my last post, I have news. I will get to the good in a moment but FIRST- Where is the damn hermit crab? I began a journey to get back to myself. I was excited and feeling in the groove. Then my daily chores started calling me back. One being to feed Mr. Crab (kids are not getting any originality awards with this, I am aware). Low and behold, he has gone on his own journey of self-discovery! The lid to his condo was slightly off and he was no where to be seen. Our living room is a closed room. There is a step to get into it so there is NO WAY Mr. Crab could have left…voluntarily…
I armed myself and my children, Clever, Dapper and Spicy with flashlights and told them we were going on a “Creature Rescue”. I promised grandiose items to the successful searcher. No crab.
My husband is convinced that Dapper is responsible. That perhaps Mr. Crab took an unplanned, unauthorized field trip to Hermit Crab hell (ie, the play room). Dapper assured me he did not such thing and I believe him.
So friends, I embark on a new search today. Please wish me well that I find a healthy Mr. Crab. Preferably in the living room so as that my child is not a lying kleptomaniac.
My last search for self proved beneficial. Many of you shared my blog on Facebook (thank you!). I got several new followers. Success. 🙂 Baby steps….
Now, off to find this crab!