I miss you still.

I have a notebook I started for you.  Letters written to the baby I was carrying.  Letters that began quite literally moments after receiving a positive pregnancy test.  I suppose its no surprise that being a writer, my first expression of love for you was in writing.  I imagined you having the notebook your whole life.  With it, you would know how adored you were from the start.

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I felt such a connection to you.  I found out you were coming to me on the anniversary of my father’s death.  I thought it some way God was trying to reach me, a wonderful right to a horrific wrong…

I wrote to you often and with such anticipation.  Life was great.  We were blessed.  I tracked your size each week and would read all I could so I would know everything I could about you.

Baby names were kicked around, gender neutral clothes purchased, hand-me-downs from family trickled in and were oogled and fussed over.  My goodness, you were so wanted.

11 years ago today, I had a different entry in our love journal.  The love letter I wrote you was scary.  It was hard.  A mother should never have to write such things.

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I wrote this 11 years ago today.  I am not sure I’ve prayed harder.  This week tested my faith to the extreme.  This week is the reason I left the Catholic Church and declared myself Christian.  This week was life-altering for us both.

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I have wanted to write about you, to you again, for longer than I can say.  I just didn’t know how.  The loss is still breathtaking and I never even got to hold you.  A meaningful footnote is that this last entry is your brother’s birthday.  One year after writing this, he was born.

This stirs guilt in me sometimes.  Had you stayed, he wouldn’t be here.  And as a mother, this is a hard emotion.  Because I feel pure glee that he is here I sometimes wonder if that makes you think I love you less?  I trust Jesus to hold your hand and explain to you that I love you no less.  My heart is big enough for all my children.  Always.

I keep this notebook of ours.  I keep it even though you are no longer here to receive it.  I keep it for myself.

These days there is much debate in our government over when a baby is a baby.  To many in the mainstream, you were not.  This is untrue.  You were everything.  You were loved and you mattered.  You are thought of every day.

Life has gone on and more children have been bestowed upon me.  I am grateful.  I am happy with my role as their mother.  I hope you still feel how important you are and you know the place you hold in my heart.  I will certainly miss you all the days of my life until I see you again and hold you for the first time.

Until then,

I miss you still.

XOXO

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Love Letters to our Little Peeps

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Greetings!!! So a while ago, I got to thinking about people who had blessed my life with their presence and who are no longer here. I was wishing that I had some way to know how they felt about me. Some way to see in their own words how they were feeling and what they were thinking while I was growing up. My father, my grandmother…both of whom I would have loved to have a love letter from to cherish always.

Fast forward to me sitting sadly in the “What-ifs” and the “I wish I had this” moment… I decided that since I thought that I would like something like that, I was going to give that to my children. So I grabbed a typical composition book (not fancy- nothing jazzy or special) and I decided to write LOVE letters to my children. Anytime the inspiration dawned on me me or they did something to twinge my heart, I’ve been writing it down. Sometimes I write funny things they say or do, sometimes I write a letter about something that I’m feeling. My entries are for them. For example, to Clever I have written to always keep his vibrant personality and his inquisitive mind. I think it is so important and so special to him and so unique and it just adds to his character and I want him to know I see that and I love that!   For Dapper I want him to know how his sweet voice has just been music to my ears from the very first moment I first heard it and it melts my heart each and every time.  That he is cherished even though he may feel at times lost in the shuffle of his siblings.    Studious’ letters are a little more intricate since she’s getting so much older and an (gulp) adult. I am able to really delve into serious topics and discuss things that she may not feel comfortable coming to me with.  It also allows me the opportunity to share my feelings and thoughts on them. With  Spicy,  I just want to make sure I’m recording and enjoying everything she’s doing for the first time and that she knows that even though she’s the fourth child, I’m seeing all the many of the things she’s doing and they are all still unique and special to me just like she is. That can get lost on the last child. I don’t want it to get lost on her.

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So now you get the gist of how I use my notebook in terms of content. Now to the basics of what tools you would need if you would like to make these love letters/diaries for your children.

As I mentioned earlier, I used a basic composition book and I decided from the beginning that I would use ONLY ONE BOOK FOR ALL MY LETTERS. This means that I would not use individual books for each child. I thought having four separate books would be daunting and overwhelm me so I stuck with one at a time.   One book held all of my letters. What I would do is make sure that the back of each note was blank so if/when the children want to tear it out when they are older , they will not be taking a portion of a letter/note from their brothers or sisters. As I fill one composition book, another is purchased and the cycle of mad love continues!
I use markers. I use paint. I use stickers. I use pens, pencils and crayons. I cut out applicable quotes and glue them in, I draw- I do whatever comes to me. Whatever inspiration I am feeling. Sometimes I just write something funny stuff they say- other times it’s a letter from me.
It is unique to each of them just as yours will be to your child(ren).

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Doing this has fed so many hungers I have had: The desire to be sure my children know how I feel, the wish to record so many of the funny things they come up with each and every day. It also helps me because I can use my writing as another tool to communicate and connect to these four perfect souls I helped make! Pretty cool stuff over here! Extraordinary!!!