I have a notebook I started for you. Letters written to the baby I was carrying. Letters that began quite literally moments after receiving a positive pregnancy test. I suppose its no surprise that being a writer, my first expression of love for you was in writing. I imagined you having the notebook your whole life. With it, you would know how adored you were from the start.
I felt such a connection to you. I found out you were coming to me on the anniversary of my father’s death. I thought it some way God was trying to reach me, a wonderful right to a horrific wrong…
I wrote to you often and with such anticipation. Life was great. We were blessed. I tracked your size each week and would read all I could so I would know everything I could about you.
Baby names were kicked around, gender neutral clothes purchased, hand-me-downs from family trickled in and were oogled and fussed over. My goodness, you were so wanted.
11 years ago today, I had a different entry in our love journal. The love letter I wrote you was scary. It was hard. A mother should never have to write such things.
I wrote this 11 years ago today. I am not sure I’ve prayed harder. This week tested my faith to the extreme. This week is the reason I left the Catholic Church and declared myself Christian. This week was life-altering for us both.
I have wanted to write about you, to you again, for longer than I can say. I just didn’t know how. The loss is still breathtaking and I never even got to hold you. A meaningful footnote is that this last entry is your brother’s birthday. One year after writing this, he was born.
This stirs guilt in me sometimes. Had you stayed, he wouldn’t be here. And as a mother, this is a hard emotion. Because I feel pure glee that he is here I sometimes wonder if that makes you think I love you less? I trust Jesus to hold your hand and explain to you that I love you no less. My heart is big enough for all my children. Always.
I keep this notebook of ours. I keep it even though you are no longer here to receive it. I keep it for myself.
These days there is much debate in our government over when a baby is a baby. To many in the mainstream, you were not. This is untrue. You were everything. You were loved and you mattered. You are thought of every day.
Life has gone on and more children have been bestowed upon me. I am grateful. I am happy with my role as their mother. I hope you still feel how important you are and you know the place you hold in my heart. I will certainly miss you all the days of my life until I see you again and hold you for the first time.
I miss you still.