My Word for 2017…

2017

…is PURSUE.

For me and for this new year, this word pursue means so many things.

I want to pursue my children. Relentlessly.  I want to be a more present mom and make more memories with them that will last beyond my lifetime and throughout theirs.  I have always been here for my children, this year I want to make a conscious effort to engage more and truly pursue them.  All relationships take work.  Even those between a mother and her children.

I want to pursue my writing.  Chase it and have fun with it and always be seeking it.

I want to pursue knowledge with the furthering of my education.  I have set this goal and I want to continue on the path to reaching it.

I want to pursue relationships that are important to me.  To make extra time for those close to me that I want closer.  To take the time to show those special people just how much they mean to me.  Family and friends tend to get lost in the shuffle of life. I want to pursue them and bring them back in.

And last, I want to pursue the wisdom to know when to let things go.  I struggle with that.

Here is to 2017.  May we all be safe and healthy all year long!  Good luck to you in all your pursuits. (see what I did there?)

Thank you for reading and for following along.  XOXO

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Keeping it Real…

Hey, guys! Sorry I haven’t posted for a while.  I have been busy with book stuff.  As you know, my children’s book, No Cheese Please, is out in the world.  I have been keeping up with it as it has been Out In the Wild as my Instagram feed shows.

And so with all that great and exciting stuff happening, I must also tell you other things that are happening here.  Things I am not proud to admit.  Things I am ashamed to state.  Why do it then?  Why use this platform to share?  I have learned (it to me decades) in my life that it is not healthy to keep negativity and shame locked inside.  The damage it inflicts on the psyche is so devastating, some don’t come back from it.  I want to keep this blog real and let it be a true representation of myself.  The good, the bad, the ugly.

So, first.  I really feel like I identify as a………worrier.  (Did I make some of you nervous there?).  What I mean by worrier is with the impending social engagements I have lined up for No Cheese Please, I find I am so nervous and self-conscious for them to happen.  I have found myself putting off event planning because I get so anxious.  So if you all could say prayers to help me battle this, I would be most appreciative.

And funny, I thought the second “For Real Reveal” was a separate matter and only now as I am typing realized it is so closely related, they are practically conjoined twins.  If you will remember, months ago I shared that I had been struggling with my weight and its toll on me.  I was proud to show you that I had lost a good bit of weight and you all were super supportive.  Thank you.  I am ashamed to tell you I completely fell off the wagon after my hysterectomy and did not get back on when I could/should have.  As a result, I have gained all the weight back.  I believe this contributes to my anxiety over public events.

I struggle because I am a very determined person.   I believe I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. The problem I have is my focus (that pin point surgeon focus) has only ever been able to be on one thing at a time.  Yes, I can multi-task BUT there is going to be one thing I will go over the top with and the others will get the basic (if anything).  The result of the past few months?  I published a book and I am enjoying it being sold all around.  I have done interviews and have events planned.  You can guess what had my focus and attention, yes?

The other result of this?  I have suffered.  My sweet husband has suffered.  Because believe me, when I am not happy with how I look, it manifests itself in so many random and unrelated things that he has to deal with as part of his “For Better or Worse” gig.  When I am overweight, it affects every aspect of my life.  Photos?  I hate having them taken of myself?  Dressing in the am?  Torture.  Shopping?  There are no words….

I even worry that my appearance will embarrass my children.  Studious is in college so she is well aware that I am not living a healthy life.  Clever, Dapper and Spicy are still young and I still worry about going into their schools.  I worry that I (even now) embarrass them.  I hate that feeling.

So, I am going to work on this and I am sharing it here for a collection of reasons.

  1. I am a writer.  Its what I do.
  2. I hope to encourage even one person (even if its me, it will be worth it)
  3. I want the accountability.  I mean, it will be hard to NOT make these changes after sharing this with you all.

My blog is still going to focus very much on writing and being a mom.  That is where my heart is and you all know that.  So I will not be making this a blog about weight loss/etc.  However, I do vow to share with you once a week a progress update.  You can expect these updates to come Saturdays as that is the day I officially REBEGAN my transformation.

Some of you will ask what it is I will be doing.  I plan on following the Ideal Protein protocol and also using the workouts from Bikini Body Mommy. The BBM currently has 4  90 day challenges.  I have started Bikini Body Mommy Challenge 1.0.  They are free workouts- check them out.

I do have before pictures I took on Sunday as well as my initial weigh in.  At this time, I am not going to reveal those.  I would like to revisit sharing at a later date.

In closing, I wanted to thank you for reading this novella.  And I hope you can help support me and each other in this.

As I have said before, “I want my outside to reflect the person I am on the inside”.

XOXO

 

Dear Uterus,

In about 36 hours, you and I will part ways never to be together again.  I have to be honest, I am not sure how to feel about this.  I have heard from several people how they think I should feel, yet…my emotions seem to be taking their own long, winding, all around the world path.  What is normal?  Am I reacting the “right way” in this?  I am unsure.

I have so much I want to say to you and so I think that I will get through this the way I get through all things and that is by writing.

In theory, I should be kind of excited about our impending separation.  It will mean I should be pain-free and no longer needing to worry about adding any more to our brood.   And while I know we decided we were finished pro-creating, there is so much to be said for CHOOSING that vs. having the choice taken away. Forever.  No “take-backs”.  Never.  It is overwhelming and emotionally confusing.  I know I don’t want anymore children but I don’t want to not be ABLE to!!!  There is no reason to this, I know.  I just feel it and so it is.  I am trying to work through it.  As you can see, I am working at all hours of the night on this and I must because our time together is running out.

I would also like to tell you, Uterus, that I am so sorry.  I am sorry that for a majority of my life (and yours) I have been so inconsiderate of you.  I have rarely thought of you and truthfully when I did, I was having negative conversations in my head about you.  I was upset with you when I was starting puberty because you were causing me pain.  I thought you hindered me when my period would arrive and my swimming schedule was altered.  I complained about you monthly from that point on.  The pain, the cramps and the inconvenience.  I never  stopped to appreciate that you were fulfilling your function which was to keep my body fresh and healthy.  You were prepping me for motherhood all along.  Thank you for working properly and keeping me healthy.  I appreciate it now.  I appreciate you.

Besides being inconsiderate of you and so negative towards you in the past, I must apologize more.  Because you will be gone soon and I for some reason feel I need to share these things now, before then.

There was a time when I hated you.  I hated you to the core of my being.  When I miscarried our baby,  I blamed you with every ounce of everything I had.  I wondered , “Why weren’t you strong enough? Why didn’t you keep my baby safe?  That was your damn job!  How could you let me down this way?  Why???”  I sank into a despair that I wasn’t sure I could climb out of.  It was much easier to hate you than to hate God.  I didn’t fear your retribution.  I am sorry for that.  I don’t pretend to know why that horrific thing happened and I will mourn our baby for the rest of my life but I want you to know, I don’t blame you anymore and I am so sorry I did.

Lastly, I want to thank you for my four children you did successfully carry and help keep safe for this world.  I truly could not have had them without you.  And I never even thanked you until now,  when you are about to depart.  It is often that way, isn’t it?  We don’t appreciate what we have until it is gone.

Well now I am thanking you for my children.  The wild, sometimes crazy and sometime out of control Loves of my Life.  Thank you for everything.

You tolerated a young mother new to the parenthood/pregnancy deal.  You helped me through the miscarriage (though I didn’t see it at the time) by alerting me early on to the problem.  I see now that had you not done your job I, too, and not just the baby could have had grave health concerns.  You managed to successfully carry and sustain a 10.5 lb boy, a 10.3 lb boy and a 9.6 lb girl each 14 months apart and each through a c-section.  While each time you should have, in theory, been weaker, you stepped up to the occasion and these little people were carried to term and were the epitome of healthy. THANK YOU FOR THEM!

I am sorry you are sick and that you have to go.   I will never forget all you did for me.  I am going to miss you.

XOXO